Have you ever felt like you literally just wanted to crawl outside of your body?
Like you’re just so disgusted by what’s happening within you that you want to escape it? That’s exactly how I feel going through a NATURAL MISCARRIAGE. There wasn't much physical pain (in the beginning), just lots of blood and heartache. My mind was foggy for a while trying to grasp what was taking place. I was present but not present. Just dazed. One moment we were celebrating our pregnancy and excitedly accepting our new beginning, and within days I was in the Emergency Room being told by the Dr., “I’m sorry but I don’t have good news.” Urine test, Blood work, ultrasound...no baby. Just like that GONE!
I never wanted to be a part of this club. I mean who does? What club you ask? The “1 in 4 women will miscarry” club. I felt angry and disappointed that this was happening. Feeling like my body failed again. I never thought I would go through it. Heck I never thought I would experience being a preemie Mom either. But for some reason God decided to add another layer to our journey. A friend of mine asked me why I was mad...and I wanted to yell, “My baby is literally coming out of me in the toilet. WHY AM I MAD?” Because THIS sucks! I’m healthy, I’m a good person and I do good unto others. I know that doesn’t make me exempt from trials and I don’t write that to sound entitled at all. It just sucks that this is happening without any type of explanation. I think my biggest disappointment is feeling like I was given a gift only for it to be taken away so abruptly. I ask God “why?” Why did you even give it to me to take it away? Maybe one day I’ll know the answer to that. Until then I have to get through this and move on the best way I know how. Talking it out, crying, praying and planning for the future.
I will strive to cherish the blessings I do have. I won’t harp over what could’ve been. I will love harder and appreciate the gift of life even more. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling a little discouraged. At one point my hope was fleeting. Which is ironic considering I usually give hope to others. I am forcing myself to hold onto the word of God which tells me in Isaiah 43:2-
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
I am in the water. The deep sea to be exact. I don't know why we are going through this. However I feel like God has a plan, it’s a little hard to see it through this storm- but faith tells me something has to be on the other side of this pain. I don't believe He would bring us this far to just leave us. Through all of this I am grateful for my husband and little miracle Jaxson, for being amazing throughout this whole process. Without them I would've fallen completely apart. I'm thankful for a praying mother and a couple of girlfriends for their support. I'm thankful for this space where I can share my feelings in hopes that it will help another woman know she is not alone.
My heart goes out to the women who have gone through this and so much worse. Pain changes us, and I can only hope that one day we will get our rainbow after the storm.