**DISCLAIMER, I am not currently pregnant**
In the last 6 months I have seen more pregnancy announcements than I can count! From personal friends to social media friends I feel like it's a baby boom. I even joked that I didn't want any of "THE WATER" these women were drinking lol
You see for me getting pregnant after having my micropreemie son was not something I had ever really considered. When people would ask "so when is the next one coming?" They would get THE LOOK...oh you know the look that says "are you for real?" After all that we've been through? Nah I'm good. Through my first pregnancy I learned so much about myself, my body and the entire experience wasn't what I imagined. It was such a hard journey- but through my tumultuous pregnancy and premature birth, I discovered my purpose, my faith grew AND I witnessed a real life miracle. I truly believe that everything I went through was God's will and plan.
It took some time to heal from the wounds and PTSD of what happened and really accept that everything we went through was part of God's plan. And I kid you not, one day something clicked inside of me and I thought, "hmmm, I think I want another baby." These thoughts actually shocked me and it would take days before I could even entertain the thought and speak it out loud. So I began to pray and ask God, "where is this desire coming from?" Because a year ago I thought about wanting to be pregnant JUST to experience everything I hadn't had a chance to and go through a "normal" birth experience but didn't really WANT another child. I know that sounds crazy but I hope you can understand what I'm saying. It's like a void was missing and I would ponder over the what if's, the wishes and what not but couldn't see myself being the mother of 2. So when this new feeling and desire came it was more than just wanting to experience the things that I missed out with my first pregnancy. I actually WANT another child. SHOCKER! Yep, I have baby fever!
I have been processing all of this and discussing with the hubs. I've gone from excitement of the possibilities to becoming fearful. FEAR is: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL What if the next time is more difficult? What if our child has major medical issues? What if something happens to me during the next c-section? I HAVE SO MANY(negative) WHAT IF'S! My Doctor says that I am 100% healthy and she doesn't see any reason to worry about having another baby and carrying full term, but no one can be certain. I was 100% healthy with Jaxson and it was my first pregnancy. So although I don't present any known health concerns, the risk are still a little higher because of my previous birth. Then there are my thoughts about my little miracle Jaxson and how he would adjust to such a drastic change. He's my baby, the greatest part of me and everyday I make my best efforts to give him the world. We have a very close relationship and thinking about changing the dynamic makes me a bit apprehensive. I think about if I will be capable of doing or feeling the same about a 2nd child. As Jaxson grows and becomes more of a big boy some of the days are hard, like really HARD! I question if I have the stamina and patience for another. Let's be honest, sometimes juggling it ALL can make a mama cray cray LOL! Just being honest!
But heres the thing, even with so many unknowns there's something in me that says, "WHAT IF everything goes right?" I'm crazy enough to have some optimism even after all we've been through. I've seen God perform miracles not only in my life but in others as well and I believe that He won't ever give us more than we can bear! I have hope. I know that God wouldn't give me this desire without preparing me or giving me the grace to go through it. I am fortunate enough to be connected with so many awesome moms who have had a healthy full term pregnancy after giving birth to their preemie. And I am at a place in my life where I can't let FEAR dictate my life.
Often times we talk ourselves out of a blessing because we are afraid of what COULD happen. That's no way to live. Hope is such a powerful thing. You may have lost a child and are afraid of trying again, you may have the desire to be married or fulfill career goals. Having HOPE gives you the ability to press past the negative "what if's" and go after what you want. Just know that God wouldn't give you those desire without a purpose or plan to fulfill them. So I encourage you to hold onto your hope even in the midst of the unknowns believing that the best it yet to come!
HOPE: a feeling of expectation and desire of a certain thing to happen