Tears well up in my eyes when I think about how far we have come. When the Doctors said NO, God said YES! Not all babies come home from the NICU. Not all 22 week babies are saved and given a chance to live. Statistically, 24 weeks is viable and nothing less. I am VERY thankful for my OB Dr. LIpeles who took the risk and listened to me through tear stained eyes and the desperate pleas of my heart. All I wanted was for the team to give my baby boy a chance. What they gave us is a gift that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.
Life was so uncertain for us last year. It was the biggest storm we had ever been through. The days and nights were sometimes very long, but we believed that God had begun a good work and would be faithful to complete it. We now know that our trials and our storm weren't in vein. So many people around the world are being touched by Jaxson's miracle story. At 14 months old (10 adjusted) he's defying all of the odds and is a very healthy and happy little boy. When I think about how things could've turned out, my heart literally fills with gratitude.
You ever have a day where you drop the ball several times and think to yourself, "what am I doing?" I kinda chuckled today and said, "Wow God, you really trusted me with a child! Wow" I had a couple of "mom fail" moments and beat myself up about it. Jaxson and I ran out to do a few errands and as luck would have it, as we were parking to go into our second stop I smelled something. It was the smell that a mother knows all too well, poop! So as I got the diaper bag to ready him for changing I suddenly remembered that I didn't restock his diaper bag from yesterday!!!!! I had NO diapers in the diaper bag! I really couldn't believe this was happening and I was quite embarrassed. I poked fun at myself on FB and a few mommy friends chimed in to let me know they too had done the same thing in the past. It helped to know that I wasn't alone in my short comings but I still felt like I had a moment of failure as a mom. I know some might say its really not a big deal, but I strive to stay in control and not make mistakes. I am human, definitely not perfect but I do strive to stay on top of things. I balance so much on my shoulders and attempt to do it all, so when I drop the ball I struggle with that.
Luckily, Jaxson won't remember my small mistakes. He is as happy as can be and loves me unconditionally. No matter how many times I feel like my best isn't enough, Jaxson looks at me with his beautiful brown eyes and smiles and I think, ok I must be doing something right. God is so amazing in how he orders our steps and blesses us despite our mess ups. He knew I would have "mom fail" moments, and would give me strength to get back up and keep pressing forward. I encountered a woman in the store and she stopped to speak to us- she said, "He is such a happy baby just relaxing in his seat. He's fed, he's clean, he's healthy and he is living a good life". Her words blessed me and affirmed me as a mother.. God spoke through this stranger to let me know that I am doing a good job as his mother. Will everyday be perfect? No! Will I forget important diaper bag essentials again? I hope not (but let's be honest, mommy brain is real) But at the end of the day, when its time rock our babies to sleep or tuck them in after a bed time story a sense of gratefulness is ever present. I find myself feeling all the feels and thanking God for my beautiful little miracle. The day may not have gone perfect, and some things may have been left undone but we made it!
No matter what your journey looks or feels like, know that you have everything you need to be a great mother, father, friend, wife, husband, daughter, son, sister, co-worker. The journey may get exhausting at times, but it's also amazing. God was so kind to bless me with the gift of being Jaxson's mother. What we went through has allowed me to have the opportunity to be a blessing to others. Use the lessons of your struggles to help someone else, share your story. You never know how your imperfect life can bless someone else!