THE DAY I REALIZED I NEEDED A FRIEND.........
This is a hard truth to admit. It hit me as I drove away from my Corporate job with my son in the back just as joyful as ever not knowing what had just taken place. You see, after being out for several months to take care of Jaxson and heal from the NICU journey, my job decided to "eliminate" my position. A week after their decision I had to turn in my company phone, corporate card and pick up a few of my belongings. It was officially the end and as the chapter closed it hit me, I had no one to call or say hey can we grab lunch and talk about this?
Sometimes you just want to call and chat or sit with a friend. I needed my tribe at that moment, except, I don't really have a tribe. It hurts to even write that but its my truth. My days are spent with my baby boy and the friends that I do have mostly live out of state- so that in some ways creates a different dynamic. Over the last year I've become numb to the fact that so many people have left my life. People grow things change, its life I get it- but if I really take the time to think about it, it actually hurts a little. So in order to keep things light and moving forward I don't think too much about it. I desire to have friendships with like minded women and I believe it is possible to have a family and good friends that you can hang out with. I always thought it would be fun to have mommy friends to go out with and our children would have these awesome play dates! Well, that's not my current reality.
My husband offers to hang with Jaxson sometimes so that I can get a break and go do something fun, sadly I always say, "what's fun?" I don't go to happy hour with the girls anymore or things like that. While it would be nice every now and again to have a girls night out or even dish on the latest happenings, I don't have anyone to do that with. I love to pamper myself so every now and again a trip to the salon, the nail shop or the spa do me well!
When Jaxson came home from the NICU I felt a strong shift. I wasn't the same person, my anxiety level was higher but not as edgy as when he was in the NICU. All of my priorities changed. We had to spend the majority of our time in the house as to not expose him to possible colds and viruses. I was so engulfed in motherhood that I didn't really focus on the fact that I didn't have a lot of friends. Social media interaction became my go to and I met so many wonderful mom's who needed advice or even just someone to talk to. I became that person! I feel like God has shown me my calling through my journey to motherhood and I enjoy pouring into the lives of others and meeting new people!
Often times it so easy to put ourselves on the back burner and even get lost in the world of being a wife and mother and all of the responsibilities that it entails. We pour out so much to others and end up neglecting the fact that we too need our cups to be filled. There have been days where I literally felt like all I did was wash clothes, dishes, bottles, feed and change Jaxson throughout the day, went to the grocery store and fixed dinner. And I have to be honest, a part of me feels guilty for feeling that way but I started feeling like I was letting go of a part of ME that I happened to like. The creative side of me was screaming for attention. I've had to consciously refuel and pour into myself. I've learn to incorporate the things that I like to do in between taking care of Jaxson. I crochet, I write, I create its what keeps me excited outside of being a mom.
At the end of the day I'm blessed to be able to care and nurture my son full time. I was thrust into being a stay at home mom navigating my way through the Entrepreneurial waters at the same time. God has answered my prayers and blessed me with what I have asked for. I prayed big prayers and worked very hard to be where I am today. There's no doubt in my mind that He has His hand on my life. God is moving and shifting things and, I am trusting Him to continue guiding me. I am doing life one day at time. This season of semi-isolation is a hard one but I am embracing it. I am becoming OK with the fact that maybe this is just the season that is designed for me to figure things out on my own and focus on my goals.
I don't write this for pity, but more so as a release. I am sure someone else out there can relate and maybe is too afraid to say it. I also want to encourage the woman, the mother that feels alone or hopeless. Know that you aren't- God is always there. What a friend we have in Jesus! He sticks closer than a brother and is indeed a friend to the friendless. So in this season where it seems so different and unfamiliar, I have to be content with the truth of God's word knowing and really believing that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my friend and His love sustains me. What an amazing feeling it is to really breathe that in and take rest in Him! I know my tribe will come, but until it does I'm going to continue being the best mom, wife and woman of God that I can be!